Daily NonProphet
by DemonicLime
Summary: Sequel to Ask Peeves. Harry, Ron and Hermione take over a newspaper that slams the Daily Prophet and the Ministry on a daily basis. They think it's funny, but what happens when the Daily Prophet and Ministry doesn't exactly think it's hilarious?
1. Deathy, Dismayed Dullard

_Fudge: Deathly Dismayed "Dullard"_

_England is no longer a democracy, says our very own advice-giver, Peeves. When asked his opinion of the arrest of __Mordecai__Ambrose__, he said he could not give it to us because: "Opinions of citizens only matter in democracies; England doesn't seem to be one anymore, and I don't want to worry about that dullard, Fudge, breaking into my fucking house for doing the unthinkable: expressing my opinion." Peeves does not hesitate to refer to the Minister as a "dullard," and neither should you—unless you are one—after reading this article._

_Mordecai Ambrose is an Auror who thinks the Ministry is full of shit. He is not alone, but is one of the only ones to speak the truth. Ambrose presented quality evidence to Fudge last week, trying to convince him that Voldemort was back and that Fudge was an ignorant hick. As true as that is, he should've saved his breath; Fudge listens to NO ONE unless it's exactly what he wants to hear. Fudge ordered for the arrest of Ambrose on Thursday, November 18, for disrupting him as he and Dolores Umbridge traded Chocolate Frog cards and drew on Albus Dumbledore's face whenever they stumbled across a card with his face on it. The other reason, that isn't as stupid, but just as outrageous is: setting an example for Harry Potter. "I want to show Potter that telling lies of that nature can end you up in Azkaban. We arrested one of our head Aurors who's been catching dark wizards since Voldemort died for doing such . Sure, it took all the rest of our Aurors, five of which are currently in comas in St. Mungos, but we got him. If we can get a highly trained professional Auror, we can certainly get you Potter, and we will!" says Fudge. Five Aurors in comas? Imprisoning the top one? All for this man speaking the truth? We at the Daily Non-Prophet sensed at once his poorly thought out lie, and decided to investigate._

_The night of Ambrose's arrest, two of our reporters took Fudge to The Hog's Head to buy him a drink…or ten. After Fudge was clearly not sober, they proceeded to ask him why he just didn't arrest Harry Potter; he obviously hates the kid enough. Fudge's barely coherent response was: "I'd rader go ader dis auror den Harry because I'm too damn afraid of dis demented, disturbed, dull-witted delinquent." When the reporters tried to ask him more, he passed out, head slamming against the table. Not that that one "sentence" wasn't of any help; we now know that Fudge wanted to scare Potter into doing what he wanted by arresting someone more powerful because he's too afraid of this fifteen-year-old to arrest him. Not only is Fudge an anti-freedom asshole; he's a chicken. Lastly, it's leading to studies of the relationship between excessive drinking and excessive use of the letter "D." And if drinking gives you a better vocabulary (it certainly did for Fudge.) _

That was the first article Harry and Hermione wrote for the Daily Non-Prophet. It was on the front page, but they didn't figure many people would see it. When Dumbledore had run the paper, he hadn't wanted thousands of people to get it. But the new owners did, and they were going to work out a deal with two people who were masters of advertising to gain more readers.


	2. The Rise and Fall of The DNP

_Dear Harry, Ron, and Hermione, _

_I think it can be arranged for us to put up an advertisement in our store for your newspaper. Normally, we would charge a huge sum of gold for our advertising, but since we wouldn't have a store to put up advertisements in if it wasn't for Harry, we'll do it for free. Your paper is also fucking hilarious. (It has to be if you once thought we were writing it.) We wouldn't advocate people buying a bad newspaper, no matter who was writing it. _

_Expect your subscription rates to increase by 500 percent! _

_Sincerely, _

_Fred and George_

"They better not be exaggerating," said Hermione, "Because we won't make any money unless our subscription rate increases by at least that much. Right now, we're in debt because of all the materials needed to print papers no one buys."

"Then let's not print so goddamn many!" said Ron.

"You don't get it, Ron! We're expecting to get more readers, and we won't know when or how many people subscribe until the morning they're delivered. It's always better to have more papers needed than less."

Every morning, a list was delivered to the three owners of subscribers to _The Daily Non-Prophet_. Lists were also delivered to the first and second years (who thought doing minor jobs for a minor newspaper was _so_ cool) working for them in the Owlry sending the newspapers out.

"I'm sorry I don't take Arithmancy like you." Ron then coughed a word that sounded a hell of a lot like "nerd."

"It's not knowing Arithmancy, it's having common sense. And I'd rather be a nerd than a dullard."

"Oo, Ron, Hermione's taking over your job as Peeves," said Harry.

"Like I would want to waste my time with that."

"What do you mean 'waste my time?'"

You know how the rest of the morning went between Hermione and Ron, so I won't bore you with details. Anyway, that day Fred and George put up advertisements for _The Daily Non-Prophet, _and subscriptions increased by not 500, but 800 percent in the following week! Harry, Ron, and Hermione were having to hire more and more people (not everyone willing to work for them were first and second years now that the paper was so popular) to get all the papers sent out. They also got more writers so they could include more in every paper. Printing more papers was no problem, though, because Hermione knew a spell that could copy the information on in one paper, and paste it to thousands. _The Daily Non-Prophet _soon became a huge profit thanks to Fred and George.

It seemed impossible that anything could come in the way of the success of _The Daily Non-Prophet_. It never occurred to anyone working on the paper that _The Daily Prophet _would make an attempt to resist their parody. So it was a huge shock when a letters from _The Daily Prophet _arrived one day for Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They read:

**_Cease and Desist Demand_**

_As you are well aware, The Daily Prophet provides news for all of Wizarding England.  
It has come to our attention that you are imitating our famous newspaper. We refer specifically to your use of the name The Daily Non-Prophet as well as satire articles that refer to some of our miniscule inaccuracies in the past year. _

_Your actions constitute violations of copyright law and unfair competition law. As such, The Daily Prophet is entitled to recover money damages as well as injunctive relief from you and your organization and anyone assisting you in your wrongful conduct. _

_Accordingly, we demand that you immediately cease and desist from all use of the Daily Non-Prophet name and any marks similar to the past or current content of The Daily Prophet. We further demand that you confirm in writing that you will not in the future print anything that could in any way decrease our business. _

_Very truly yours,_

_Arschloch Bumser_

_Owner_

_The Daily Prophet _


	3. Unfair Competiton Law? Bullshit?

"Unfair competition laws?" said Hermione as she reread the cease and desist demand, "I never knew there was such a thing. Making fun of them is perfectly legal."

"Unfair Competition," Ron sniggered, "It's pathetic how a group of kids is considered competition by _The Daily Prophet."_

"What's also pathetic is how they say not to print anything that could decrease their profit. There's no law against that, unless what we're writing is a lie," said Harry.

"And we don't even talk about _The Daily Prophet_ in our paper. We just imitate them in an insulting way, which isn't illegal. If they accused us of libel, I'd be angrier than Peeves now, because they did that to you numerous times last year," said Hermione.

"It's legal satire, damn it!" said Ron, "but they do say we violated copyright laws, which I guess is true. We did take their name, but that's all; we never copied whole articles from their paper."

"So you're saying we'll be fine if we change our name?" asked Harry.

"According to them we'd not only have to do that, but stop parodying them," said Hermione, "And that would totally defeat the purpose of _The Daily Non-Prophet_ other than bashing the Ministry of Magic. I think we should suspend it for a while and write to The Daily Prophet to work out some kind of agreement."

"Unless all of our little employees up sending owls out got a copy of this," Ron said waving the letter, "they sent today's copies. Actually, I'm sure they sent it either way; most of those kids are too stupid to know what a cease and desist demand is."

"There's nothing we can do about that," said Hermione, "but today I'll write a letter to _The Daily Prophet_ explaining why it was sent today and trying to make them not sue us. I'll also write a letter to be sent to people tomorrow in place of the paper explaining that no one will be getting a new copy anytime soon."

"You might also want to prepare one to send to the Ministry of Magic, Hermione," said Harry, "If _The Daily Prophet _can find illegal things about _The Daily Non-Prophet_, the law Nazis sure as hell can too."

Hermione gave a Harry a don't-think-I-didn't-think-of-that look.


	4. Letters of Explanation

During Charms, a first year Ravenclaw came in the classroom and said Dumbledore wanted to see Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They left, and stopped in front of the gargoyle that guarded Dumbledore's office. Harry, who had been in the office several times that year, knew the password was "acid pops." He said it, and the gargoyle moved aside revealing stairs that lead up to a door. Harry knocked and Dumbledore said, "Come in." So Ron, Hermione, and Harry entered and sat in three chairs at Dumbledore's desk across from him.

"As you may have guessed, the reason you are here is your cease and desist demand from the _Daily Prophet_," said Dumbledore. "I also received a copy of this document along with a letter telling me I need to control my students better. I wrote back saying that I was fully aware of you writing this newspaper, there was nothing illegal about it apart from the name, and I am a strong supporter of the _Daily Non-Prophet. _Because they print whatever the Ministry tells them to--I'm sure my opinion will count for something--as they don't regard me as a nutcase anymore. Even though I wrote to them, I think it would be appropriate for you three, as the owners, to write to them also. In the mean time, I think it's necessary to, as they say, 'cease and desist.'"

"I was planning to write to them today, and we've been trying to notify people working for us that we won't be printing new copies until further notice," said Hermione.

"Good, and be sure to sign the letter from all of you, even if you're the only one who writes it. Actually, that probably would be the best idea," said Dumbledore looking at Ron, "You don't want the letter to sound peevish."

As they headed to their next class, History of Magic, Ron constantly muttered, "peevish" under his breath until Hermione slapped him across the face out of annoyance.

For once, Hermione didn't write down every word that came out of Professor Binn's mouth. She did write, but none of it was even related to what the professor was saying.

"Hey, Hermione," whispered Harry. "Why aren't you taking notes for me and Ron to copy off today?"

"Yesterday I asked what we would be learning about today, found some books on it after I was done researching law, and took notes in advance so I could start the letters to our readers and the _Daily Prophet. _Also, it wouldn't kill you and Ron to take notes for once."

"AHHHH! THE QUILL IS BURNING MY HAND!" said Ron.

So that day everybody's mind was far away from Binn's lecture, instead of everyone's mind minus one, as Hermione wrote:

_Dear Daily Prophet newspaper,_

_We at the Daily Non-Prophet recently received a cease and desist demand from you. We have stopped sending out our paper, as you asked. _

_In your letter, you accused the Daily Non-Prophet of violating copyright law. We thought that meant copying your articles, not your name, and there was nothing illegal about it. If you can find a law that states the parodying names of names is illegal, we will be glad to change the name of our newspaper. (We don't doubt this is untrue, we just can't find a law that states that.) Furthermore, you say we violate unfair competition law. First of all, there is no such thing that we know of, and we won't believe there is until you provide proof. (Once again, no books at the Hogwarts library mention it.) Even if this law does exist, it doesn't apply to us. We have nowhere near enough readers to even be considered competition by the Daily Prophet. If you think making a parody is illegal because it slightly brings down your profit, I think you need to go back to Hogwarts and learn about freedom of speech._

_Write back soon, and please provide an explanation to these illegal actions you accuse us of._

_Sincerely, _

_Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, and Harry Potter_

_Owners_

_The Daily Non-Prophet_

When she finished, she shoved it in Harry's face who was playing tic-tac-toe on a piece of parchment with Ron. He and Ron read the letter, muttered their approval, and went back to playing tic-tac-toe. Hermione, on the other hand, proceeded to write a letter to the _Daily Non-Prophet_ readers.

_Dear Daily Non-Prophet readers,_

_Due to a cease and desist demand we received yesterday from the Daily Prophet, we are unable to print more papers until further notice. The Daily Prophet accuses us of things we don't know are illegal such as copying their name (this very well could be), and unfairly competing with them by writing a parody that decreases their profit slightly. We are almost certain there's nothing illegal about that, but we don't want to cause more trouble with England's most popular newspaper, so we are going to suspend the Daily Non-Prophet until we figure this out. _

_If you have any questions you can write to Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, or Hermione Granger at the Daily Non-Prophet. If you have a question for Peeves, you can sent it to him at Peeves at the Daily Non-Prophet; rest assured he will hate reading it. Individual responses are not available at this time, unfortunately. It would also be very much appreciated if you wrote to Arschloch Bumser at the Daily Prophet, and told him how you feel about is actions regarding our newspaper._

_Thanks to all of our few readers,_

_Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, and Harry Potter_

_Owners_

_The Daily Non-Prophet_

Hermione again thrust it at Harry and Ron. Ron was painfully reminded that he wouldn't be able to write Ask Peeves for a while. He also remembered that the _Daily Prophet_ hadn't mentioned anything illegal about Ask Peeves.


	5. Peeves Returns Without the Paper

Days after Hermione had sent out the letters to the _Daily Non-Prophet_, Ron couldn't resist reading the Ask Peeves questions he continued to receive, and thinking of possible responses. Although he knew it would be a while until he could send out one of his advice columns, it seemed so much more appealing than cracking open his Defense Against the Dark Arts book to do the humungous amount of homework Snape had given them. It kept occurring to him that the letter from the douche bag at the Daily Prophet didn't have any complaints about Ask Peeves, surprisingly. Ron thought about sending out an Ask Peeves column separate from the newspaper, but figured it would just make things with the _Daily Prophet_ worse. But Ron **really** didn't want to start his homework, and after reading every letter dozens of times, was running out of ways to procrastinate. Finally Ron decided: _There's nothing illegal about Ask Peeves, it's my only way to put off doing Snape's essay from hell, and I shouldn't give a rat's ass what that Asshole Bum—or whatever his name is—thinks._ With that Ron started to write a new Ask Peeves column. He noticed how stupid people had been to write to Peeves about the problems with the Daily Prophet instead of him (under the name "Ron"), Hermione, and Harry; hence the title of the column.

_Ask Peeves:_

_Dullard's Guide to Addressing Envelopes_

_I thought I'd have a nice little vacation with the Daily Non-Prophet getting shut down, but NO, I have to write my column separately while everyone else working here gets time off. If that weren't enough to bother me, when I started reading through many letters you losers sent me, I noticed that the majority of them were asking about the little issue with the asswipes over at the Daily Prophet. What the hell? Even if owners (Harry, Ron, and Hermione) hadn't specifically told you to send those letters to them, you should've known better than to send them to the advice columnist._

_Dear Daily Non-Prophet,_

_I hate how your paper got suspended due to your competitors at the Daily Prophet. Do you know if/when you'll be back?_

_-Anna_

_Anna-_

_Look you retard, I am NOT the Daily Non-Prophet and shit like this should NOT be sent to me! I find it strange how this is addressed to me, but the letter is to the paper. Seeing how you can't figure it out yourself, I will now enlighten you on addressing your envelopes: _

_If your question isn't stupid and is actually asking for advice, you can write: "Peeves at the Daily Non-Prophet" on the envelope. If it is a question asking about the newspaper in general, such as this one, send it to the owners: Harry Potter at the Daily Non-Prophet, Ron Weasley at the Daily Non-Prophet, or Hermione Granger at the Daily Non-Prophet. If it's about a specific section, send it to whoever writes that section. Hope that wasn't too hard to follow, dumbass._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_It sucks how the bastards at the Daily Prophet are attempting to shut your paper down! Those bastards! Do you know where their headquarters is so I can kick the entire staff's asses?_

_-Luke_

_Luke-_

_At least you got the name right, but it's still **not my paper.** I don't own the Daily Non-Prophet, you damn dullard. I also wouldn't give you the location of the Daily Prophet even it I did have it, because I want to be the one **kicking them with my steel-toed boots**, not you. I doubt a wuss like you could even give Arschloch Bumser a scratch._

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_Wut hapnd w/ da DP????? Wen wil u b bak?????????_

_-eric_

_Eric-_

_Since 90 percent of the letters I've read so far have been on the same topic, I won't bother getting a gibberish/English translator to tell me what this says. Get lost._

_-Peeves _

* * *

Ron made a good amount of copies of this and went up to the Owlry to send then. 

The next morning Ron got twice as many letters about the return of the Daily Non-Prophet for Peeves than in the whole previous week. He knew it was just to piss him off, but he really didn't care because of all of the positive feedback he got:

_DEAR PEEVIE,_

_I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY YOU UPDATED AND ANSWERED MY QUESTION!!!! I THOUGHT WITH THAT DUMB NEWSPAPER GONE, YOU WOULD BE TOO! YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I SUBSCRIBED TO IT!_

_ABOUT MY LETTER: I MEANT TO SEND IT TO THE OWNERS, BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU SO MUCH I ACCIDENTELY ADDRESSED IT TO YOU! SORRY ABOUT THAT, SEXAAAAYYYYYY!_

_YOUR LOVER,_

_ANNA_

Ron laughed and Hermione and Harry looked over to read his letter.

"What does she mean "I THOUGHT WITH THAT DUMB NEWSPAPERGONE, YOU WOULD BE TOO!"? inquired Harry.

"RON!" Exclaimed Hermione, "You haven't been mailing Ask Peeves articles, have you?"

"Heh heh, maybe," Ron said weakly.


	6. Return

"RON!" I can't believe you would do that! Releasing one of the most offensive sections of the paper will only make things worse with the _Daily Prophet!" _yelled Hermione.

"It's not offensive to them, obviously, or they would've made up another fake law that it's breaking."

"No, Ron, it is extremely offensive, but still would be very hard to think of a law it violates."

"Yeah, Ron," said Harry, "you really should lay off on the Peeves before the rest of the paper's back. The Daily Prophet will think we're just trying to piss them off."

"Yeah, ok." muttered Ron. But he had no intention of stopping. The _Daily Prophet_ really should've responded by then, and he was beginning to think that the whole letter had been fake. So during his first break of the day, Ron wrote Ask Peeves.

_Ask Peeves:_

_Nobody hates suck ups as much as Peeves._

_You fucking dumbasses. I get all these letters telling me how wonderful I am and shit, but the truth is: I ALREADY KNOW! I know how great I am and I don't need to be told 50 times a day! At least you accomplished one thing, though. The questions today are actually relating to me! You losers have proved you have just a little bit of competence!_

_DEAR PEEVIE,_

_I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY YOU UPDATED AND ANSWERED MY QUESTION!!!! I THOUGHT WITH THAT DUMB NEWSPAPER GONE, YOU WOULD BE TOO! YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON I SUBSCRIBED TO IT!_

_ABOUT MY LETTER: I MEANT TO SEND IT TO THE OWNERS, BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU SO MUCH I ACCIDENTELY ADDRESSED IT TO YOU! SORRY ABOUT THAT, SEXAAAAYYYYYY!_

_YOUR LOVER,_

_-ANNA_

_Anna-_

_I don't need to hear about your sexual fantasies, sicko. I don't really care if I'm in them, but I don't want to hear about it. Got that? And even though it is true, I don't know how you could conclude that I'm sexy. You don't even know what the hell I look like!_

_-Peeves_

_Dear Peeves,_

_I'm glad you at least came back. I don't really care about the rest of the paper, I_

_know the Daily Prophet Writers have got it all wrong, and to believe in whatever they_

_don't say. I enjoy your comments about other peoples fruity lives, and hope I receive_

_an equally sarcastic reply. Go beat the Daily Prophets asses, and continue the Ask_

_Peeves Column, because it's the best damn thing you could ever find._

_Signed, _

_-Maniax_

_Maniax-_

_If there's one thing I can't stand more than questions that have nothing to do with me or my column, it's suck ups. What did you expect getting out of sucking up? Getting to clean my shoes? Nice try, dullard, but even you're under qualified for that job._

_-Peeves_

_Unlike the people who submitted today's questions, I actually have a fucking life, so I'm only answering two questions today. Deal with it or have me **punch you in the stomach with my elbow.**_

Ron had just realized that he had taken way too much time reading through all his mail, and therefore had a very miniscule amount of time to answer questions before Defense Against the Dark Arts. (He probably could've insulted someone quickly, but he didn't have any more letters that fit the suck up theme despite what he put in the introduction.) He also realized he hadn't done Snape's essay. Sticking the column in the pocket of his robes, he and Harry headed for Snape's classroom.

Once there they sat by Hermione who said, "I've been thinking about the whole thing with the Daily Prophet, and I really think they would've responded by now. Especially with the paper the day of the cease and desist demand and Ron writing Ask Peeves."

"I think we should resume writing it," said Harry. "If they really cared about us stopping, they would've written back."

Ron said how much he agreed and after they had all been given detentions from Snape for talking in class (two for Ron because he didn't do his essay), Hermione finally caved in and said, "Ok, at least my second detention EVER will have some meaning."

It wasn't very hard for Harry, Ron, and Hermione to get everyone working for them to know the _Daily Non-Prophet_ was back the next day. Now all they had to do was write their sections and get them to the people who would put them with other peoples' articles and send them.

With all of Harry and Ron's breaks, they were able to write a lot for the next day's paper, but Hermione had classes all day and a detention after dinner, so she didn't do it until about 7 pm. And that was with skipping most of her homework. Hermione never skipped her homework! (She, Ron, and Harry had now made it a weekly newspaper so they'd have more time and the paper would be better, so this would be a one-time thing.) It was very clear that she wanted to get back at the _Daily Prophet_ not only for forcing her newspaper to cease and desist (like Ron she was starting to think it could be someone playing a stupid joke on them), but also for the horrendous things they printed about Harry (and sometimes her). The first article Hermione was writing was welcoming back the readers, and would be the first one on the first page. It was worded so nicely (or at least nicer than Peeves) and yet still showed Hermione's anger, that it was almost humorous.

_Welcome Back Readers!_

_By Hermione Granger_

_About two weeks ago you received your last issue of the Daily Non-Prophet. And unless you've been in a coma for those two weeks and your owl delivering the letter notifying you of our suspension was brutally murdered and the letter destroyed, you know of our little problem with the competing newspaper, the Daily Prophet. But just in case, I'll do a recap._

_On the third of December, 1997, Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, and I all got a cease and desist demand from the Daily Prophet. They accused us of break laws such as the unfair competition law and copyright law. We, of coarse, didn't see anything wrong with our actions and I doubt you will either after reading their contemptible letter._

_**Cease and Desist Demand**_

_As you are well aware, the Daily Prophet provides news for all of Wizarding England.  
It has come to our attention that you are imitating our famous newspaper. We refer specifically to your use of the name the Daily Non-Prophet as well as satire articles that refer to some of our miniscule inaccuracies in the past year. _

_Your actions constitute violations of copyright law and unfair competition law. As such, the Daily Prophet is entitled to recover money damages as well as injunctive relief from you and your organization and anyone assisting you in your wrongful conduct. _

_Accordingly, we demand that you immediately cease and desist from all use of the Daily Non-Prophet name and any marks similar to the past or current content of the Daily Prophet. We further demand that you confirm in writing that you will not in the future print anything that could in any way decrease our business. _

_Very truly yours,_

_Arschloch Bumser_

_Owner_

_The Daily Prophet_

_I really don't know if Mr. Bumser was considering freedom of speech when he wrote this. There's nothing amoral with creating a humorous newspaper, and we certainly weren't attempting to cause the Daily Prophet to lose money. Although we were sure of our accuracy, we felt it necessary to seek the approval of the Daily Prophet even though we didn't exactly think of them as the world's best people. So we wrote a letter to them trying to make things OK with the newspaper we parody. Almost three weeks passed without a reply, and we think the Daily Prophet was intimidated by the little student-run newspaper. It could've not been them at all, and was some immature student at Hogwarts, but that's not a logical explanation for no reply, now is it? It's just rude. That is why, unless we get more letters from the Daily Prophet, the Daily Non-Prophet will return with a new issue every week (sorry, no time for daily anymore)!_

_-Hermione Granger_

Weeks passed without another word from the Daily Prophet. Another week later, however, Harry, Ron, and Hermione discovered the cause that is what this entire fic is based off of.


End file.
